This post is going to be more philosophical in its focus with a goal of making headway towards understanding an important point. Attachment is something we all need on some level, as it is our interactions with others that can being us the most joy. Those conversations we share with can bring us to wild parties, satisfying dates, and incredible experiences all, but what happens when they stop doing that for us? At what point is enough enough?
I’m broaching this particular talking point now because it’s been made relevant in much of the work I’ve been doing for others. When and where two people have a beneficial trust between them and they are working as a team, I am often asked to improve upon that harmony and flow. When there’s no such trust & harmony, however, there’s a great deal of bias and harm.
My sense of it is that we are being pushed to our limits as a species and a society, and as a result some of our relationships are going by the wayside. It’s entirely understandable, but it’s also not helpful unless the relationship going to the wayside is one that doesn’t serve you. When we are in a situation where resources are scarce & barely enough time exists to connect with others, toxic relationships tend to be louder. This loudness can negatively impact other attachments in our lives, so it behooves us to consider the cost v. benefit involved in being in a relationship with others. Put differently, considering the nature of your attachment to others and then acting to improve upon worthwhile attachments can save us a lot of time.
Conversely, taking a step away from ill fitting attachments can be equally worthwhile. As such, I would invite you to consider these connections that you maintain your day-to-day life. If you feel like someone is keeping your joy hostage, it’s time to find better friends. On the flipside, if you find that this one person is making your life infinitely better, tell them that and treat them like they are having that kind of difference. The more we reinforce these beneficial bonds, the stronger we will be. The stronger our foundations are, the easier this storm is to weather.
With the philosophical portion of this out of the way, we can instead segue into a discussion on ascertaining the worth of a relationship. This is pretty easy at first blush, as it starts with being mindful of how your interactions with [x] individual make you feel before, during, and after the fact. Coming to understand the emotional flow of these interactions can help you to comprehend what the trends are, and by extension, you can determine what is coming from within you & your efforts and what is being brought to the table by the other party. Taking stock of how often you feel good in walking away from that conversation and how often you feel awful walking away from the interaction is important. Between that and figuring out how much baggage you bring to the party (as we ALL have some!) will help you to determine a basic understanding of this person's merit in your life.
I find that it becomes a bit easier when you've made that initial determination about people, as the good ones are outed as being healthy for us pretty quickly. We really only tend to have misgivings and mixed feelings about people who trigger us in some way, so the next round of work is a bit more in-depth. The second thing I'd recommend as a means of determining a person's overall influence on your life is to do a reading about it. Look into how this person affects you or have someone you trust do it, as that assessment should very well have some impact on your view of this third party you're concerned about.
Finally, take action on what you've found out. If the person in question is wonderful to you, treat 'em like it as best you can. If they're terrible for you, stop associating with them and replace their influence in your life. If they're somewhere in-between, that's where the real work begins. With those people, the next step is where we start to look at how we interact with them and they with us. Fine-tuning those interactions around both your own issues and theirs will help you and they to break out of the unhelpful patterns that bind.
If you and they can come to an agreement about changes to make within the relationship, all the better. If they're unwilling to make those changes, however, and they're unwilling to work with you, they may quickly find themselves on the naughty list where your life is concerned. While its always a shame when that happens, its important for us to be happy too.
Just some food for thought. Stay safe!